Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
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[eulogy]
line?
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon