When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
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(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Seems kinda suspicious
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine