Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
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Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
*pokes sex life with a stick
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.