The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
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Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
this will hang in the louvre one day
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
2022 will be better than 2021
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.