– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
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My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
why does this building look like a guilty dog
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.