me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
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Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Close call…
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better