Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
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Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants