Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
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Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
oh my gosh!!
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.