I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
You Might Also Like
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!