Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
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Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
My god she’s good.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”