I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
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Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.