I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
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Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
I came this close!!!!
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻‍♂️
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.