Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
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Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what