Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
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“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
United Steaks of America
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
i will avenge u mr van gogh
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.