art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
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May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
favorite tropes as memes
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.