If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
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i was baptized in a car wash
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.