The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
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16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.