My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
You Might Also Like
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Cannot stop laughing at this
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs