Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
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Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.