I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
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Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.