I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
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“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
I wish I were this cool 😂
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle