Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
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Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for