The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
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Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%