My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
You Might Also Like
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
congratulations to them
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great