I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
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[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.