“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
You Might Also Like
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection