Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
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Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant