Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
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[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
This rocks
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?