when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
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[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
A classic…
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms