I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
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[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo