Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
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Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time