I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
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I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
March 16
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
But is it really??
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.