Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
You Might Also Like
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
This checks out
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.