Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
You Might Also Like
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.