Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
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I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.