If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
You Might Also Like
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
HR said no more nunchucks.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch