I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
You Might Also Like
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
love it when they get my name right
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?