The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
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Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Print is alive and well!!!