dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
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I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.