My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
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[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
The fall of Netflix
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.