Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
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Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5