I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
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i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Cow it started Cow it’s going
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”