Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
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I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Story of my life…..
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
LA today:
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.