[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
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There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *