Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
You Might Also Like
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
I love the National Park Service.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice