I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
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Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.