Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
You Might Also Like
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Krampus.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Finally a use for spoilers…
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.