me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
You Might Also Like
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Not recommended for beginners.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Whoa 😂
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.