If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
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The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
CUTE CAT‼︎
*lint rolls you awake*
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.