Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
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Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
The Weeknd is back
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL